Human beings have been parenting since the beginning of time. This means that there is some wisdom behind the common saying that we instinctively know how to do it.
A lot of people have been raising their kids without reading books or going to classes or checking in with websites. In fact, millions of people parented before any of these things existed.
However, the beautiful thing about having all of these resources is the chance to do a better job parenting than the generations who came before us.
And yeah I’m probably talking about our parents.
Just because we have some parenting “instincts” doesn’t mean that we can be our best selves because we know to run away from wild beasts.
Not all instincts are really useful as parenting skills.
But learning how to talk with your child so they will talk with you – that is priceless.
So when I encountered “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk” I was interested.
I was a teacher at the time and a parent of two young children.
And when I read the book, it totally blew my mind. With a few simple corrections in my responses to things they commonly said, I was able to create a closer connection with my high school students and my own children
The TL;DR of “How to Talk …”
What’s the magic elixir? Well, I don’t want to give it all away. There are several specific steps they provide for getting your kids to open up.
But I frequently cite this one example from the book.
It does a good job of showing how “common sense” sometimes gets in the way of getting the best results.
When your child comes home from school and says they had the “worst day ever” or that they “never want to go to school again” we have a natural, paternal response.
We want to protect them. We want to slay their enemies, and / or give them the tools to do it themselves.
And we often start by telling them they were wrong. We often say something like, “I’m sure it wasn’t the worst day ever.”
Seems innocent. You’re being kind, right?
Sort of.
But you’re also telling them that their judgment is wrong. You’re telling them they can’t trust their feelings. At least they can’t trust them to you.
And so, over time, they will learn not to share them.
UNLESS … you change.
What if, instead, your automatic response became, “That sounds terrible, what happened?”
It’s a small difference, but it is significant.
Have you had a coach or a parent or a teacher who didn’t take your word for things? Who didn’t trust your judgment?
How did you feel about them?
You probably didn’t like them very much. You probably didn’t go to them with your problems. You probably didn’t work very hard to do things the way they wanted you to.
They didn’t trust you, so you didn’t trust them. It’s human.
So why put your child in that same position with you?
“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen…” has a few key principles that you can work on one at a time or with a few friends.
This isn’t a book about how to deal with children who are screaming and crying in the middle of the grocery aisle. Instead, the tips here will help you respond to situations so you can avoid those tantrums and meltdowns before they happen.
