Welcome Senior Class of Its Almost Over
During These Years
Here are 10 parenting tips for raising teenagers.
Here are 10 parenting tips for raising teenagers.
- Give kids some leeway.Giving teensa chance to establish their own identity, giving them more independence, is essential to helping them establish their own place in the world. “But if it means he’s going out with a bad crowd, that’s another thing,” says Elkind.
- Choose your battles wisely.“Doing themselves harm or doing something that could be permanent (like a tattoo), those things matter,” says Kaslow. “Purple hair, a messy room — those don’tmatter.” Don’t nitpick.
- Invite their friends for dinner.It helps to meet kids you have questions about. “You’re not flat-out rejecting them, you’re at least making an overture. When kids see them, see how their friends act with their parents, they can get a better sense of those friends,” Elkind tells WebMD. “It’s the old adage, you catch more bears with honey than vinegar. If you flatly say, you can’t go out with those kids, it often can backfire — it just increases the antagonism.”
- Decide rules and discipline in advance.“If it’s a two-parent family, it’s important for parents to have their own discussion, so they can come to some kind of agreement, so parents are on the same page,” says Bobrow. Whether you ban them from driving for a week or a month, whether you ground them for a week, cut back on their allowance or Internet use — whatever — set it in advance. If the kid says it isn’t fair, then you have to agree on what isfair punishment. Then, follow through with the consequences.
- Discuss ‘checking in.’“Give teens age-appropriate autonomy, especially if they behave appropriately,” says Kaslow. “But you need to know where they are. That’s part of responsible parenting. If it feels necessary, require them to call you during the evening, to check in. But that depends on the teen, how responsible they have been.”
- Talk to teens about risks.Whether it’s drugs, driving, or premarital sex, your kids need to know the worst that could happen.
- Give teens a game plan.Tell them: “If the only option is getting into a car with a drunk driver, call me — I don’t care if it’s 3 in the morning,” says Bodrow. Or make sure they have cab fare. “Help them figure out how to handle a potentially unsafe situation, yet save face,” she suggests. “Brainstorm with them. Come up with a solution that feels comfortable for that child.”
- Keep the door open.Don’t interrogate, but act interested. Share a few tidbits about your own day; ask about theirs. How was the concert? How was the date? How was your day? Another good line: “You may not feel like talking about what happened right now. I know what that’s like. But if you feel like talking about it later, you come to me,” Elkind suggests.
- Let kids feel guilty.“I think too much is made about self-esteem,” says Elkind. “Feeling good about yourself ishealthy. But people should feel bad if they have hurt someone or done something wrong. Kids need to feel bad sometimes. Guilt is a healthy emotion. When kids have done something wrong, we hope they feel bad, we hope they feel guilty.”
- Be a role model.Your actions — even more than your words — are critical in helping teens adopt good moral and ethical standards, says Elkind. If they have a good role model from early on, they will be less likely to make bad decisions in their rebellious teen years. WEBMD.com
David Elkind, PhD, author of All Grown Up and No Place to Go and a professor of child development at Tufts University School of Medicine in Boston. Amy Bobrow, PhD, a clinical psychologist and professor in the Child Study Center at New York University School of Medicine in Manhattan. Nadine Kaslow, PhD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Emory University.
During These Years
Here are 10 parenting tips for raising teenagers.
Here are 10 parenting tips for raising teenagers.
- Give kids some leeway.Giving teensa chance to establish their own identity, giving them more independence, is essential to helping them establish their own place in the world. “But if it means he’s going out with a bad crowd, that’s another thing,” says Elkind.
- Choose your battles wisely.“Doing themselves harm or doing something that could be permanent (like a tattoo), those things matter,” says Kaslow. “Purple hair, a messy room — those don’tmatter.” Don’t nitpick.
- Invite their friends for dinner.It helps to meet kids you have questions about. “You’re not flat-out rejecting them, you’re at least making an overture. When kids see them, see how their friends act with their parents, they can get a better sense of those friends,” Elkind tells WebMD. “It’s the old adage, you catch more bears with honey than vinegar. If you flatly say, you can’t go out with those kids, it often can backfire — it just increases the antagonism.”
- Decide rules and discipline in advance.“If it’s a two-parent family, it’s important for parents to have their own discussion, so they can come to some kind of agreement, so parents are on the same page,” says Bobrow. Whether you ban them from driving for a week or a month, whether you ground them for a week, cut back on their allowance or Internet use — whatever — set it in advance. If the kid says it isn’t fair, then you have to agree on what isfair punishment. Then, follow through with the consequences.
- Discuss ‘checking in.’“Give teens age-appropriate autonomy, especially if they behave appropriately,” says Kaslow. “But you need to know where they are. That’s part of responsible parenting. If it feels necessary, require them to call you during the evening, to check in. But that depends on the teen, how responsible they have been.”
- Talk to teens about risks.Whether it’s drugs, driving, or premarital sex, your kids need to know the worst that could happen.
- Give teens a game plan.Tell them: “If the only option is getting into a car with a drunk driver, call me — I don’t care if it’s 3 in the morning,” says Bodrow. Or make sure they have cab fare. “Help them figure out how to handle a potentially unsafe situation, yet save face,” she suggests. “Brainstorm with them. Come up with a solution that feels comfortable for that child.”
- Keep the door open.Don’t interrogate, but act interested. Share a few tidbits about your own day; ask about theirs. How was the concert? How was the date? How was your day? Another good line: “You may not feel like talking about what happened right now. I know what that’s like. But if you feel like talking about it later, you come to me,” Elkind suggests.
- Let kids feel guilty.“I think too much is made about self-esteem,” says Elkind. “Feeling good about yourself ishealthy. But people should feel bad if they have hurt someone or done something wrong. Kids need to feel bad sometimes. Guilt is a healthy emotion. When kids have done something wrong, we hope they feel bad, we hope they feel guilty.”
- Be a role model.Your actions — even more than your words — are critical in helping teens adopt good moral and ethical standards, says Elkind. If they have a good role model from early on, they will be less likely to make bad decisions in their rebellious teen years. WEBMD.com
David Elkind, PhD, author of All Grown Up and No Place to Go and a professor of child development at Tufts University School of Medicine in Boston. Amy Bobrow, PhD, a clinical psychologist and professor in the Child Study Center at New York University School of Medicine in Manhattan. Nadine Kaslow, PhD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Emory University.
Senior: Ages and Stages
15-18th Year
Physical Growth
- Girls stop growing. Boys keep growing and start to “fill out”.
- May think about sex or masturbate often.
Mental/Emotional Growth
- More abstract (not concrete) thinking.
- Uses logic and debates an issue.
- Starts to know that others’ thoughts don’t always have to do with them.
- Private with being naked. Doesn’t like parents or siblings to see them naked.
- Worried about school work.
- Does almost all homework without help from parents. Relies more on peers for help with homework.
- Likes using “smarts” and outwitting others.
- May fall in love and learn about “being in love.”
- Explores “sex appeal” and may wear “revealing” clothing.
- May want a car for freedom.
- Has or wants a job to earn money.
- May try alcohol or drugs.
- They want to learn and discover things on their own. They want more freedom.
- Tries to see how they look (body image) through his/her own eyes more than through peers’ views.
- Often sees and may speak about their own flaws and how often they fail at things. Has a hard time asking for help. Often detaches from emotions or feelings.
- Tends to withdraw when upset or hurt.
Social Growth
- Can still be very selfish. More “arrogant” or “full of” themselves.
- Relationships with parents may be at a low point.
- Greater push for freedom can cause conflict in relationships.
- Being liked by peers is very important. Big fear of rejection/not being liked.
Tips to Help Your Child Grow
- Be ready for teen behavior. Friends become more important. Your child might talk back to you more often and test you in other ways. He/she will try to be more independent, such as refusing to take part in family events. He/she may be more moody and take new, dangerous risks.
- Decide with your child when he/she can do things on their own, including staying at home alone.
- Be fair with what you expect from your child. Give your child more independence and responsibility as they can handle and earn it.
- Set clear limits and discipline and punishments for breaking rules. Use humor to get your point across.
- Show and tell your child how important school is. Go to parent-teacher meetings and school events. Help with homework because there is more of it and it’s harder. Suggest that peers help with homework (study groups).
- Help your child’s self-esteem by praising him/her often and showing you love him/her. Don’t criticize a lot, nag, or make fun of your child.
- Set aside time just to talk and do other things with your child, even if he/she doesn’t ask for it.
- Respect your child’s need for privacy both physically and emotionally.
- Tell your child what you expect with regard to drug and alcohol use and dating now and in the future.
- Teach your child how to manage anger and resolve conflicts without physical or emotional violence.
